Can't Hold a Candle to It

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Candles are incredibly overrated and pointless. Why do people buy them so much?

If you're buying them for the light, in case you'd have a blackout...why don't you own a flashlight? Nowadays, everyone has a cell phone or mp3 player as well, and they are good enough to use for the little things.

If you're buying them for the heat, you're retarded. It doesn't have much heat coming off a little candle flame. And you have to light the candle with a match or lighter, which has the same amount of heat.

If you're buying them for the smell, there are air fresheners that don't require you to waste matches/lighter fluid and also don't run the risk of burning anything.

If you're buying them for the look...what? Its just a little flame on top of a chunk of wax.

If you're buying them for some satanic cult ritual, you're already fucked up beyond repair so good luck being weird.

There's only one situation where candles are ok to buy: birthday cakes, for kids. If you're old enough to buy and light the candles yourself, you're old enough to realize that wishing on cakes means absolutely nothing. And even then, these candles are like 1 buck for a pack of 50, not 50 bucks for 1 candle.

Henceforth, candles are worthless. Stop buying them. End of discussion.



This site is dead and has been for a long while, for multiple reasons—not the least of which is that it's of a different era (roughly 2007). You can no longer safely play around with discussing gray areas with a humorous twist. People don't read between the lines. If they want to be offended, they'll twist what you said to mean whatever they want, and you're guilty no matter what. Or, on the flip-side, instead of being too sensitive, they'll think you're somehow defending their awfully bigoted or shameful viewpoints, even if you aren't. Both extreme sides of everything are so black/white dumb that it's an impossible minefield to navigate. If anything on here doesn't age well, sorry; times have changed, and so do people, for better or worse. Get over it. (It being "everything") There is always more important shit out there going on. Out on limbs.



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