It's January, which means the number of people that are suddenly becoming concerned with their weight has skyrocketed. New Year's resolutions all over the globe are reflecting the idea that this is a fresh start and the perfect time to kickstart that diet and get in shape.

feet on scale overweight lose pounds
New year - same weight
Let's ignore for a minute the whole idea that this ISN'T a fresh start at all and that no universal clock changed to give you a different set of tools to work with just because it's now 2014 and that you could have started your diet on December 31st and it would have been the exact same thing.

Despite that, I still know for sure that even though I'm one of those people that would like to lose 15 pounds, I'm fighting an uphill battle. Why is that? Because I flat out suck at literally everything that goes hand in hand with losing weight.

For the record, I currently weigh around 147 pounds, fluctuating closer to 150 and 145 on a regular basis for the past several months. For being about 5'10", this isn't too bad, all things considering. I'm certainly not "fat", just "out of shape". Earlier this year, I was at the lowest weight I've been at in a long time: 136 lbs, and I thought I could stand to lose another 5 but people were telling me that I looked "too skinny". In retrospect, it wasn't the healthiest way to go about things, as the only reason I was down to that weight was because I was eating roughly 500 calories a day and that's it. So while I've had success with the starvation tactics, I'm doomed to fail with everything else.

1. I Don't Exercise and I Sit Almost 24/7

Might as well get one of the big ones out of the way, right? I literally don't exercise at all. I can blame part of this to asthma, part of it to a lack of funds to join a gym, and part of it to an honest flat out laziness and not wanting to do it because I don't find it to be the slightest bit fun or entertaining.

weight loss tips for sitting exercises you can do at work
Stretching does not make you lose weight.
And why is he standing for these sitting exercises?

However, the biggest factor in why I don't exercise is time management. Everyone claims that "you can always find time", but you really can't, and I certainly can't on a regular basis. I don't have anything in my routine that allows for a flexible exercise adaptation. I can't take a bike instead of driving if I don't tend to leave the house. I can't use my break time to squeeze in some exercise if I never take breaks throughout the day, literally, because by the end of the day I'm always behind as there's too much to do as is.

I don't do things that open me up to creative ways to burn calories because I have yet to figure out a way to be able to incorporate it into my everyday life. You pretty much can't lift weights when you're typing on a keyboard and you can't go for a run while you're sitting at your computer desk. I'm no expert, but pretty much everything I've come across says that sitting for long periods of time is detrimental. Specifically, sitting is bad for your metabolism (and circulation, and posture - says the guy with a bad back) and I do it all day, every day, and have for years on end. Way to be active. But that must mean I'm a lazy person that lounges around all day, right? Nope.

2. I Have A Horrible Sleeping Pattern and Get Almost No Rest Whatsoever

Raise your hand if you spent the last 7 hours trying to get tired enough to fall asleep while laying in bed and decided when you couldn't do it, that you'd just hop back on the computer and write up a post on your website. *raises hand* I have permanent dark circles under my eyes that have been there for over a decade. I'm frequently up for 24+ hours at a time (my record being 58 hours of being awake) and even when I do sleep, I don't feel that much better. Whether it's 3 hours or 12, I usually wake up tired and not rested at all. I can only fall asleep if I'm absolutely exhausted enough to, too. If I'm tired enough to go to bed, that doesn't ensure that I'm going to fall asleep, even if I have no distractions and I'm comfortable. Melatonin works for me, but taking 5mg of it tends to throw me completely out of whack and makes me beyond fatigued for several days afterward.

As such, I don't fall asleep at the same time, wake up at the same time, get the same amount of hours sleep, or anything that makes it a routine, and no matter how hard I try, I can't force myself to do it either. If I'm not tired enough to fall asleep, I'm simply not going to.

Sleep is a huge factor in losing weight and my body basically does everything within its power to fight against the idea of being healthy. Thanks, body.

3. I Don't Eat at Regular Intervals

If I can't sleep a normal schedule, I certainly can't eat at one. Yesterday, I had dinner at 9 o'clock at night. The night before, I had it at around 5pm. The day before that, I only really ate one meal and it was at 11 o'clock in the morning. Since I don't eat three meals a day, I don't even have a set time difference between meals to build around.

4. I Skip Breakfast Almost 365 Days of the Year

Supposedly, one of the most important things you can do is eat a sensible breakfast to get your metabolism going. That never happens for me. Frequently, because of my terrible scheduling, the first meal I eat is a dinner and then I eat some kind of a "snack" or pig out on junk food or eat what I guess would be the equivalent of a lunch (ie, some leftovers from dinner earlier or whatever).

5. What I Do Eat Isn't Healthy

Even if I did eat breakfast, it's not as though it would be a healthy one. I'm a very picky eater. In some ways, that's good. It allows me to avoid some horrible things for me like mayonnaise and soda and alcohol. But what's bad is that I don't like essentially any foods that are healthy. Any kind of healthier version of a food product tastes awful to me. I don't like many vegetables and the ones that I do, I only like as a side dish and only when they're not simply boiled in water and tasteless.

Homer Simpson Chocotastic group food pyramid Dr Nick Riviera
There's the whipped group, the congealed group...
What are my favorite foods? Pasta, pizza, chocolate, chicken (but not "plain baked chicken", I mean things like chicken sandwiches, chicken cutlets, chicken wings, etc), steak, tacos, rice, potatoes, bread, etc. Starches all the way and lots of store bought things that are terrible for you or things like alfredo sauce where even if they're made at home, that doesn't mean they aren't still poor choices.

You will literally never see me eating celery at a party instead of chips, or drinking smoothies no matter what the ingredients are because every one that I've tried has been disgusting, or going to Red Robin and substituting my hamburger bun for a lettuce wrap. I don't eat based on what is nutritious, I eat based on what I feel like eating, what is cheap, easy to get, and then I try to factor in calories and that's really it.

6. And I Can Eat A Lot of Those Bad Foods

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone that can close down a buffet plate after plate or eat a million chicken wings like Kobayashi. But I can eat a whole large pizza by myself. The only reason I tend not to is because other people are eating it as well and that would be rude of me. Plus, there's the guilt factor of telling myself that if I do, I'm a horrible glutton that deserves to be a blimp.

But I'm not someone who is necessarily good with portion control. Serving sizes are ridiculous. If I'm hungry and I want to eat some pasta, I want a plate of it with some chicken or meatballs, sauce, and I'd love some garlic bread to go with it. I'm not satisfied with half of a cup of dry noodles to "treat myself". When I want cookies, I want a dozen of them, not a 100-calorie pack of fat free things that are so small that they turn out to be the equivalent of two normal cookies. I need at least 4 or 5 tacos at Taco Bell in order to feel like I ate something, not one.

7. I Stress Eat and Eat Out of Boredom

This isn't something that plagues me every day, but it does happen. If I'm particularly stressed out, I won't pay as much attention to what I'm eating and I'll eat more junk out of a subconscious need to satiate something going on in my life. If I'm bored, sometimes eating can feel like I'm doing an activity and not make my skin crawl with anxiety that I need to just do something no matter what it is. Horrible habits that need to be realized and stopped, but if they slip past my guard, they can do a lot of damage.

8. Drink Water

exercise drink water too much not healthy for you
Some people can go a little overboard, though
Another thing that I skip past is staying hydrated. Actually, as I typed this article up, I had told myself to drink something when I was on part 2 and forgot to do so until right now, and I'm still typing this sentence out instead of stopping to gulp down some Powerade. Ah. There we go.

Generally speaking, though, I'm not thirsty often. I've never been one to drink much throughout the day. I can eat meals without having a sip of water as opposed to people that tend to drink 2-3 glasses of something with their food. This means I can very easily succumb to bloating and it also affects my metabolism as well.

9. Bad Genetics

My father and his parents were obese, so I'm already at a disadvantage. Within me is a literal blueprint to have the potential to be the opposite of one of those people that has a high metabolism and can eat anything and stay skinny.

10. Stress

It's stressful to not lose weight, be overworked, not get enough sleep, and so on and so forth. And what makes all this worse? Stress. The circle of life.

Bonus Points: I Apparently Would Sooner Write an Article About This Than Research Fixes

Because it's been a while since I posted something, guess what took the priority? Rather than taking the initiative to neglect my responsibilities to work and take care of myself, I wrote a post on here with that time.

Excuses excuses, but that's the reality of the situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do all of the above and continue to hate myself for it.

Do you have any weight loss horror stories or tips for the readers out there?
Fill us in and leave a comment!

When men say something is fine, they mean "it's fine". When women say something is fine, it never actually means that the situation is fine.

Why is that? Is it so incredibly difficult to just express your own feelings in an honest way that you have to lie about it?

As referenced here, the most frequent excuses that I've heard from women about why they use the word "fine" in a wrong sense are:

1. "He should already know what's wrong, so I don't want to explain it."

Obviously, he doesn't. That's why he's asking. Common logic dictates that if someone asks you a question, you're supposed to assume that they don't know the answer, and then it's your job to try to answer it for them. If I ask you what's wrong and you say "nothing", then guess what? Your answer is that nothing is wrong, which means I have every right to ignore what I had thought was a problem and what YOU said isn't. Later on, when you get mad because your boyfriend or husband or whatever ignored the problem that was there, well guess what, you had already said it wasn't a problem. In comparison, if you heard a noise coming from the car and your mechanic said nothing was the matter and everything is fine, because he just didn't want to explain to you something that you should already know the answer to, wouldn't you be pissed off if later on, your car died because of a problem? Think about that one the next time you want to lie.

2. "I say it's fine because it really is and I know that I'm overreacting, but I'm still being pissy about it." why are you acting pissy if there isn't an issue anymore? Why use that tone? Just say it the way you'd normally say something is fine when it is.

3. "I want to avoid talking about it."

Then just say you don't want to talk about it. That prevents us from having to keep asking what really is wrong. If you say you don't want to talk about it and you just want to leave it be, then okay, I won't ask again. Without that information, I'm going to keep asking you to clarify what's wrong so I can know what the problem is, better assess the situation, and then try to fix it. I can't fix a problem when I don't know what it is. And don't you want the problem to be fixed, rather than just ignored?

4. "Because you don't care anyway."

Then why am I asking? If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother.

5. "Because I don't want to burden you with my problems."

Again, then why am I asking if I wasn't ready to shoulder some of that burden for you? Let me help you.

There's no need for such a simple response to be so complicated. Honesty is the best policy. Just express your true thoughts and move on from there. Saying the opposite of how you feel is just going to hurt yourself and/or others.

The next time something is bothering you, don't just say that it's fine. Without clearly expressing what's wrong, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself when someone else asks if you're okay and that person goes "yup, she's fine" and moves on with their day while you sit and suffer in silence.

Stupid things that women say dumb chick phrases

Why is it that some people find it so incredibly difficult to use their turning signals when they're driving? Not only is this so ridiculously annoying, but it's also very dangerous. You would think anyone less than a total moron would do everything in their power to keep themselves safe, wouldn't they? (Then again, people smoke, so...)

Car Road Sign Turning Signals Automobile

We've all been stuck behind that jackass that suddenly decides to come to almost a complete, screeching halt, stopping out of the blue, only to turn without any indication that he was about to. Even worse is when said car proceeds to very slowly make that turn, particularly in a weird fashion like swerving in a huge arc or not pulling off to the side to allow you to pass them.

Have you ever been ready to make a turn yourself, waiting patiently while traffic blocks your path, and then you see that one car going both slow enough that you think you could turn but fast enough that you're not willing to risk it, only to see that at the literal last second, they decided to turn in front of you, meaning you could have gone the entire time? Note: This also counts if you put your turning signal on WHILE you're already turning, or a fraction of a moment before the turn, rather than a little bit ahead of time to let everyone know what's about to happen.

It's not as if this is a hard thing to do. Turning signals are built directly next to where your hands have to be in order to operate the car to begin with. They're there for a reason—you're supposed to use them!

Turning Signal Lever Car Broken

It's also against the law NOT to use your turning signal, yet people neglect it, anyway. And isn't it just awesome when you see ten people do this while you're driving in the span of a few minutes, yet not one single car is stopped by a cop and given a ticket? Miraculously, these people get away with it just as much as the ones that pass you in a no-pass zone or tailgate you when you're going 5 miles over the speed limit instead of 20 like they want to.

Come on, you can even make a game out of seeing if the signal clicking noise matches up to the song you're listening to.

Turning Signal indicator light on car arrow
That is, until the blinker decides to speed up its tempo for some reason...jerk. I was feeling the rhythm.

The people that don't use turning signals are guilty of some combination of laziness, carelessness, ego and stupidity. It's just too much effort to reach down and flip that switch. Plus, your hands are already busy holding your coffee and your phone, right? And it doesn't matter, those other cars will know that you're turning and they'll slow down. After all, you're you, and you're invincible and everyone bends to your will. Everything will be fine. It's not like if it isn't, you'll get into an accident and hurt yourself or others.

In the rare instances that your turning signal just doesn't seem to be working and it broke in a position where you couldn't get it fixed, that's at least a worthwhile excuse, but there's still the alternative in the hand signals. You know, those things that they taught you when you took your driver's test because you were supposed to know to do them if your turning signals went out???

How to Fix Broken Turning Signal Light

Novel concept, applying knowledge that you learn, but trust me, it works. You might look like an idiot doing it, and there may be a lot of other idiots on the road that have no idea what you're doing and just assume you're sticking your hand out  of the car window because you're working on your arm's impression of a dog (which totally isn't going to work at the comedy club, sorry), but at least for the people that would understand it, you'd be doing them a favor.

In a world where we have drunk drivers and our cars can easily fuck up on their own and cause accidents, something as simple as a turning signal should not be a difficult concept to get around. If that's too much effort to ask for, then society is doomed.


It's become a running gag that every time I go to a McDonald's, if I ask for a milkshake or anything similar to it, I'm told that the machine is broken. While granted, it isn't literally every single time, it's at a frequency where it's almost a surefire bet. The chances of this happening are increased to almost 100% accuracy if you go late at night.

Every McDonald's Logo past and present Golden Arches Large

Why is that? It can't be that the world's largest fast food chain invests in such shitty equipment that it legitimately does break down all the time. If that's so, then Ronald needs to stop clowning around, get up off his ass and go fix it.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve breakfast 24/7 all day long?

I have no direct experience working at a McDonald's, so I can't say for sure, but my theory is that it's just laziness. It probably takes a long time to clean the machine and the employees would rather just lie to the customers, say it's broken, disappoint them, instead of having to go through the effort of cleaning it after making one for them.

That's ridiculous if it's true, but that's just my theory.

Does anyone have any insight into this or any funny stories about your experience with this? Have YOU been able to get a milkshake at night?

Fill us in on your thoughts by commenting below!

At Home Make Your Own McDonald's Shamrock Shake Recipe Healthy Low Fat
They call it a Shamrock Shake cause you're lucky if you get one

I may not be the biggest casino-goer in the world. In fact, I'm about as far as you can get from the typical person you would find in a casino. My extent of gambling so far has been to put a couple of dollars in the slot machines and lose it all (damn slots) and to continually eye up the roulette table, but wimp out and decide not to bet $100 on black like I'm tempted to.

However, when I do go to a casino (usually for a buffet), I try to make the experience as special as possible.

Is it the biggest thing in the world to go to Atlantic City, particularly when Vegas is the more popular and glamorous one? By no means. But at the same time, the environment is reflective of the people that are in it. One of the things that completely saps that air of class out of a casino is when people are dressed like slobs.

Before you mention it, yes, I know that casinos don't have a strict dress code, and I understand and support that. I'm not saying you should only be allowed in the doors if you're wearing a full tuxedo like James Bond but still, you should be dressed as though you're at least trying to look presentable for what's supposed to be something classy.

Hot casino slut cocktail waitress sexy dress code what to wear at a casino
Though come on, nobody does it better

Think about it. Apart from the casino, how many nice places do you go where you can dress up and not look out of place? It's weird when I'm wearing a normal suit, my girlfriend is wearing a dress, and we're surrounded by people that look like they practically just came off the beach or a trailer park.

Old people are the only ones that seem to get this on a regular basis. Many times, you see the older gentleman walking around the casino in a nice suit. Yet it seems as though the younger you get, the more relaxed the attire at a casino seems to be. Just look at your average 20-something guy. Chances are, he's wearing jeans with holes in them, sneakers, and a t-shirt. Is this the most offensive thing in the world? No. But if this is the best you can do, come on. You can't even put on a polo and some khakis? You're not overdressed if you wear a dress shirt and tie to a casino—you just look nice.

If you'd like to avoid the whole casino scene in general and gamble online, there are websites that you can check out. They offer all of the same games that you can get in a casino such as roulette, poker, blackjack or slots, however this way you can dress like a slob and sit in front of the TV. If this sounds like your kind of thing, go for it, just don't ask me for any tips, as I suck at gambling. In the mean time, I'll be at the buffet, dressed nice and eating like it's my last meal.

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This site is dead and has been for a long while, for multiple reasons—not the least of which is that it's of a different era (roughly 2007). You can no longer safely play around with discussing gray areas with a humorous twist. People don't read between the lines. If they want to be offended, they'll twist what you said to mean whatever they want, and you're guilty no matter what. Or, on the flip-side, instead of being too sensitive, they'll think you're somehow defending their awfully bigoted or shameful viewpoints, even if you aren't. Both extreme sides of everything are so black/white dumb that it's an impossible minefield to navigate. If anything on here doesn't age well, sorry; times have changed, and so do people, for better or worse. Get over it. (It being "everything") There is always more important shit out there going on. Out on limbs.