10 Ways I Suck at Losing Weight & Reasons I'll Stay Out of Shape

Posted by Anthony Mango Monday, January 6, 2014

It's January, which means the number of people that are suddenly becoming concerned with their weight has skyrocketed. New Year's resolutions all over the globe are reflecting the idea that this is a fresh start and the perfect time to kickstart that diet and get in shape.

feet on scale overweight lose pounds
New year - same weight
Let's ignore for a minute the whole idea that this ISN'T a fresh start at all and that no universal clock changed to give you a different set of tools to work with just because it's now 2014 and that you could have started your diet on December 31st and it would have been the exact same thing.

Despite that, I still know for sure that even though I'm one of those people that would like to lose 15 pounds, I'm fighting an uphill battle. Why is that? Because I flat out suck at literally everything that goes hand in hand with losing weight.

For the record, I currently weigh around 147 pounds, fluctuating closer to 150 and 145 on a regular basis for the past several months. For being about 5'10", this isn't too bad, all things considering. I'm certainly not "fat", just "out of shape". Earlier this year, I was at the lowest weight I've been at in a long time: 136 lbs, and I thought I could stand to lose another 5 but people were telling me that I looked "too skinny". In retrospect, it wasn't the healthiest way to go about things, as the only reason I was down to that weight was because I was eating roughly 500 calories a day and that's it. So while I've had success with the starvation tactics, I'm doomed to fail with everything else.

1. I Don't Exercise and I Sit Almost 24/7

Might as well get one of the big ones out of the way, right? I literally don't exercise at all. I can blame part of this to asthma, part of it to a lack of funds to join a gym, and part of it to an honest flat out laziness and not wanting to do it because I don't find it to be the slightest bit fun or entertaining.

weight loss tips for sitting exercises you can do at work
Stretching does not make you lose weight.
And why is he standing for these sitting exercises?

However, the biggest factor in why I don't exercise is time management. Everyone claims that "you can always find time", but you really can't, and I certainly can't on a regular basis. I don't have anything in my routine that allows for a flexible exercise adaptation. I can't take a bike instead of driving if I don't tend to leave the house. I can't use my break time to squeeze in some exercise if I never take breaks throughout the day, literally, because by the end of the day I'm always behind as there's too much to do as is.

I don't do things that open me up to creative ways to burn calories because I have yet to figure out a way to be able to incorporate it into my everyday life. You pretty much can't lift weights when you're typing on a keyboard and you can't go for a run while you're sitting at your computer desk. I'm no expert, but pretty much everything I've come across says that sitting for long periods of time is detrimental. Specifically, sitting is bad for your metabolism (and circulation, and posture - says the guy with a bad back) and I do it all day, every day, and have for years on end. Way to be active. But that must mean I'm a lazy person that lounges around all day, right? Nope.

2. I Have A Horrible Sleeping Pattern and Get Almost No Rest Whatsoever

Raise your hand if you spent the last 7 hours trying to get tired enough to fall asleep while laying in bed and decided when you couldn't do it, that you'd just hop back on the computer and write up a post on your website. *raises hand* I have permanent dark circles under my eyes that have been there for over a decade. I'm frequently up for 24+ hours at a time (my record being 58 hours of being awake) and even when I do sleep, I don't feel that much better. Whether it's 3 hours or 12, I usually wake up tired and not rested at all. I can only fall asleep if I'm absolutely exhausted enough to, too. If I'm tired enough to go to bed, that doesn't ensure that I'm going to fall asleep, even if I have no distractions and I'm comfortable. Melatonin works for me, but taking 5mg of it tends to throw me completely out of whack and makes me beyond fatigued for several days afterward.

As such, I don't fall asleep at the same time, wake up at the same time, get the same amount of hours sleep, or anything that makes it a routine, and no matter how hard I try, I can't force myself to do it either. If I'm not tired enough to fall asleep, I'm simply not going to.

Sleep is a huge factor in losing weight and my body basically does everything within its power to fight against the idea of being healthy. Thanks, body.

3. I Don't Eat at Regular Intervals

If I can't sleep a normal schedule, I certainly can't eat at one. Yesterday, I had dinner at 9 o'clock at night. The night before, I had it at around 5pm. The day before that, I only really ate one meal and it was at 11 o'clock in the morning. Since I don't eat three meals a day, I don't even have a set time difference between meals to build around.

4. I Skip Breakfast Almost 365 Days of the Year

Supposedly, one of the most important things you can do is eat a sensible breakfast to get your metabolism going. That never happens for me. Frequently, because of my terrible scheduling, the first meal I eat is a dinner and then I eat some kind of a "snack" or pig out on junk food or eat what I guess would be the equivalent of a lunch (ie, some leftovers from dinner earlier or whatever).

5. What I Do Eat Isn't Healthy

Even if I did eat breakfast, it's not as though it would be a healthy one. I'm a very picky eater. In some ways, that's good. It allows me to avoid some horrible things for me like mayonnaise and soda and alcohol. But what's bad is that I don't like essentially any foods that are healthy. Any kind of healthier version of a food product tastes awful to me. I don't like many vegetables and the ones that I do, I only like as a side dish and only when they're not simply boiled in water and tasteless.

Homer Simpson Chocotastic group food pyramid Dr Nick Riviera
There's the whipped group, the congealed group...
What are my favorite foods? Pasta, pizza, chocolate, chicken (but not "plain baked chicken", I mean things like chicken sandwiches, chicken cutlets, chicken wings, etc), steak, tacos, rice, potatoes, bread, etc. Starches all the way and lots of store bought things that are terrible for you or things like alfredo sauce where even if they're made at home, that doesn't mean they aren't still poor choices.

You will literally never see me eating celery at a party instead of chips, or drinking smoothies no matter what the ingredients are because every one that I've tried has been disgusting, or going to Red Robin and substituting my hamburger bun for a lettuce wrap. I don't eat based on what is nutritious, I eat based on what I feel like eating, what is cheap, easy to get, and then I try to factor in calories and that's really it.

6. And I Can Eat A Lot of Those Bad Foods

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone that can close down a buffet plate after plate or eat a million chicken wings like Kobayashi. But I can eat a whole large pizza by myself. The only reason I tend not to is because other people are eating it as well and that would be rude of me. Plus, there's the guilt factor of telling myself that if I do, I'm a horrible glutton that deserves to be a blimp.

But I'm not someone who is necessarily good with portion control. Serving sizes are ridiculous. If I'm hungry and I want to eat some pasta, I want a plate of it with some chicken or meatballs, sauce, and I'd love some garlic bread to go with it. I'm not satisfied with half of a cup of dry noodles to "treat myself". When I want cookies, I want a dozen of them, not a 100-calorie pack of fat free things that are so small that they turn out to be the equivalent of two normal cookies. I need at least 4 or 5 tacos at Taco Bell in order to feel like I ate something, not one.

7. I Stress Eat and Eat Out of Boredom

This isn't something that plagues me every day, but it does happen. If I'm particularly stressed out, I won't pay as much attention to what I'm eating and I'll eat more junk out of a subconscious need to satiate something going on in my life. If I'm bored, sometimes eating can feel like I'm doing an activity and not make my skin crawl with anxiety that I need to just do something no matter what it is. Horrible habits that need to be realized and stopped, but if they slip past my guard, they can do a lot of damage.

8. Drink Water

exercise drink water too much not healthy for you
Some people can go a little overboard, though
Another thing that I skip past is staying hydrated. Actually, as I typed this article up, I had told myself to drink something when I was on part 2 and forgot to do so until right now, and I'm still typing this sentence out instead of stopping to gulp down some Powerade. Ah. There we go.

Generally speaking, though, I'm not thirsty often. I've never been one to drink much throughout the day. I can eat meals without having a sip of water as opposed to people that tend to drink 2-3 glasses of something with their food. This means I can very easily succumb to bloating and it also affects my metabolism as well.

9. Bad Genetics

My father and his parents were obese, so I'm already at a disadvantage. Within me is a literal blueprint to have the potential to be the opposite of one of those people that has a high metabolism and can eat anything and stay skinny.

10. Stress

It's stressful to not lose weight, be overworked, not get enough sleep, and so on and so forth. And what makes all this worse? Stress. The circle of life.

Bonus Points: I Apparently Would Sooner Write an Article About This Than Research Fixes

Because it's been a while since I posted something, guess what took the priority? Rather than taking the initiative to neglect my responsibilities to work and take care of myself, I wrote a post on here with that time.

Excuses excuses, but that's the reality of the situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do all of the above and continue to hate myself for it.

Do you have any weight loss horror stories or tips for the readers out there?
Fill us in and leave a comment!

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