5 Stupid Baby Names for Kids, Annoying Unique Names

Posted by Anthony Mango Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I'm not a big fan of kids in general, particularly when it comes to babies. In fact, I've been sitting on a list of reasons why I don't like your kids that I haven't written yet (but will soon, trust me, particularly if this post is popular). But one aspect I wanted to go over about children that annoys me is something that isn't their fault at all - it's their parents' fault - and that is the process of naming your kid.

Now, any sensible person would do a bunch of research of names, write down what they like, discuss it with people, and figure out what works best for what you like and what will not screw over your child in the future. Still, people end up falling into traps of some pretty dumb ways to name their kids.

Before we get into it, let me preface this by saying that a general rule of thumb to apply here is never to name your child something that could get them made fun of or discriminated against in any way. You might not want to admit it, but it's a sheer fact that people judge other people by their names and certain things are detrimental. Would you name your kid Anita if your surname was Cox, or would you have the sensibility not to? Keep that in mind.

Without further ado, here are FIVE annoying types of names for people and why I think they're retarded.

I could have used so many names on this, but people like butt jokes, so, yeah

1. THE CO-GENDER NAME
Some people think it's very cute to take a girl and name her something that's primarily a boy's name or vice versa. I don't, at all. Yeah, I see what you're doing there, naming your daughter Charlie or your son Courtney. I know, you're trying to be different at any means necessary (a common theme on this list), but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. Different isn't always good. Answer me this question: if you read the name Thomas, does that make you think of a boy or a girl? If you answered a boy, congratulations, you're sane, and now you know why you shouldn't ever name your kid something that the opposite gender is normally named. When I read the name Dylan, I imagine a boy, so if Dylan Gunderson or whatever is actually a girl, God forbid she ends up looking like a tomboy because for entire life people are going to be saying "oh, I expected you to be a boy". There are some unisex names, sure, and as long as they've been firmly established as having years upon years of both names (and that means more than a decade) then they're ok. Most of them, by the way, are nicknames. For example, Lex could be a nickname for a boy (Alexander) or a girl (Alexis/Alexandra/etc). Sam could be short for both Samantha as well as Samuel. The problem comes in naming your son Samantha or your daughter Samuel. If you don't want everyone that your child interacts with for their whole lives getting their gender wrong, avoid this at all costs.

2. CHANGING THE SPELLING/PRONUNCIATION OF A NAME
This whole article was brought about from a story I was told of someone talking about naming their child Keefe instead of Keith and being angry that people kept getting them confused. Uh, excuse me, I think the problem is that YOU got them confused, idiot. Some names have multiple types of spelling that are very standardized, so again, they've become exceptions to this rule. For instance, some people are named Derek, some are Derrick. Some people are Jon, some are John (John's the right one in my mind, though). But if you're taking a name that already has an established version of it and twisting letters around for the sake of being different, go fuck yourself. "Maxwell" is not spelled "Mackswel". "Chloe" is not "Kloey". And for God's sake, nobody thinks you're being clever because you switched a Y and an I, you're just setting your kid up for people spelling their name incorrectly and them having to explain it all the time. Is it really worth it for you to be SO hip that your daughter isn't "Sylvia", she's "Silvya"? The same goes for pronunciation. If I see the name "Harvey", I'm pronouncing it "HAR-vee", not "Har-VAY" and if your name is spelled "Eliza", I'm saying "e-LI-za", not "ah-LEE-za". Do you pronounce other things wrong while you're at it and say things like cho-co-LATE and com-PUTT-er?

3. SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A NAME
This applies to tons of things. It can be an item, this could be an animal, etc. Two popular ideas are to name your kid a state or a city, like Dakota, Montana, Dallas, etc. While yes, these are names of the places, I'll give you that one. However, it's rare to find people that like the name and don't more primarily like the connection to a place or the idea that they're naming their kid something weird. If you named your child Gwen and there just happens to be a town called Gwen out there, that's a much different story than naming your kid Poughkeepsie. Another really popular thing to do is name your kid some concept or idea, like Cherish, Hope, Destiny, Karma. Please. Those are stripper names and just because you name your kid some kind of adjective doesn't mean they'll be that quality. Naming your daughter Beautiful doesn't mean she won't necessarily turn out hideous (and before you pull that "beauty on the inside" crap let me just forewarn you that a post is coming about that later on as well...also, shut up, stop being argumentatively PC, grow a pair). Extra points go to someone who tries to name their kid a word backwards. Oh, wow, you went with Nevaeh because that's 'heaven' backwards, awesome, here's a cross, you can stick it up your ass if it's not already filled by your own nose. [That was not an anti-religion thing]. Trust me from experience (Mango) that having something as a name that isn't necessarily a name can sometimes get VERY annoying - particularly if you don't have a sense of humor about it like I do.

4. AN OBSCURE NAME FOR THE SAKE OF HOMAGE/OBSCURITY
Do I even need to explain why people shouldn't name their kids things like Batman or Obi-Wan or Indiana Jones? If you want to name your kid something in reference to something you're a big fan of, do it in a more subtle way. For Batman, why not name your son Bruce with the middle name of Wayne? Instead of Obi-Wan, why not Ben? Instead of Indiana Jones, why not Henry Jones? Two examples I use quite often for things I wouldn't mind naming my children, if I was going to reference things I liked, would be from the Terminator series - Jonathan Connor and Kyle Reese. Those are normal names, unlike if I named my kids T-800 and Cyberdyne. Maybe you're a big fan of 2001: A Space Odyssey and you can name your kid Hal (not HAL 9000) or Heywood Floyd. Maybe you like Harry Potter and you have the sensibility not to name your kid Severus, but you go with Ron. Far too many people that are a fan of something just go ahead and name their kid a reference to it without thinking that maybe their kid might not be a fan of it as well. If that's the case and you've opted for a normal sounding name, your kid doesn't need to be locked into it their whole lives, but if you pick something that clearly points to it, then there's no choice. Your kid is not going to go unnoticed with the name of Elvis, and if they hate Elvis, then too bad? That's not being a good parent. And please don't get me started on just random shit like Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette or Apple Paltrow...good lord.

5. FOLLOWING THE LEADER OF POPULAR/TRENDY NAMES
The previous four have all been about doing something different to stand out, but another major problem is doing the complete opposite - trying desperately to fit in and name your child whatever is currently a trendy thing to name them. How many people nowadays do you know that are naming their kids something along the lines of Hayden, Aidan, Jayden, Cayden, etc? It's equally as bad to try desperately to stand out as it is to try desperately to fit in - in everything in life for the most part (other than success), like when people change their clothes to blend with the crowd or to go against the crowd rather than being themselves. If you legitimately just happen to like a name that's popular right now, go for it, but think about how your kid's going to have a lot of people around them with the same name. That in itself could be annoying. I never usually had to differentiate between myself and another Anthony in class, or if I did, it was just Anthony and Tony (me), but I would go by Tony anyway, so no problem there, however I used to always have classes where there were more than one Daniel or more than one Matthew or Amanda or something. You should never do anything just because it's the thing to do as mankind has shown numerous times that a popular idea isn't necessarily a good one. Look at the Holocaust - lots of people went along with that, and I'm sure the big supporters named their kids Adolf and from then on in, those kids had to deal with that shit. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for living in the zeitgeist.

All in all, keep in mind that if your child is going to have to explain their name to people frequently then you're picking the wrong name and you should reconsider. Put the well-being of your children before your intense lust for standing out and 'originality' (even though 99% of the time, you think you're being original but you're not).

George Costanza: Seven's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin yang!

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