I Just Don't Like Elvis or the Beatles

Posted by Anthony Mango Sunday, March 14, 2010

Forgive me, general populace, but I just find both of them annoying as balls and not entertaining in the slightest bit. I know they're insanely famous, I know they've got lots of accolades to their names, blah blah blah, but I could not give two shits about what cultural impact these musical entities have made. They do nothing but irk me.

Elvis has a weird voice and a bloated head to go along with it. He talks like he has shit in his mouth all the time. Did someone punch this fucker in the throat when he was going through puberty and fuck it all up? Plus, he died on the toilet from drug abuse. Real role model to strive to replicate. But that doesn't stop people from doing just that, no. His fans are RIDICULOUS. They not only dress up in his retarded "transparently flashy for the sake of merely getting attention" outfits but they also can't accept the fact that the guy's dead.

The Beatles aren't much better. I was interested in the movie Across the Universe until I realized it was just some Beatles fan's tribute, and then I decided never to bother watching it as I would have probably had to put it on mute the whole time. I think I might have listened to every song they've done by now and there are only two that I can say don't repulse me: Because and Hey Jude. There's a catch, though. The only version of Because that I like is by Elliot Smith, NOT the Beatles, and I can only listen to Hey Jude for about a minute before shutting it off. I don't want to get to the point where they drone on and on and on and spend 20 minutes singing "na na na na na na na hey Jude" to the point where it makes me want to bang my fuckin head on a wall until I go unconscious. Their appearance isn't as bad as Elvis, but if you take yourself out of the time period, they look like massive dorks. Bowl cuts, giant glasses, tight suits that seem too small for them...they're the equivalent of what your mom used to dress you up in for elementary school pictures. Ringo's a tool that even fans don't like, Paul went off to do his own thing and create a personal identity for himself (and did one of my least favorite Bond songs....yeah, I said it), Harrison...what the fuck did he ever do? Lennon gets put on a pedestal like a martyr for being killed, and sure, that sucks, seeing as how he was basically the precursor to Bono, but really he's nothing more than your average hippie after you take away the fame.

Why are Elvis and the Beatles so damn popular? Tell me why I'm wrong, and don't say something as generic and trite as "but they've done so much for the musical industry" as I couldn't care less. If we judged our likes and dislikes based on merit alone, everyone's favorite movie of the year would automatically be whatever wins Best Picture.

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