Can't Hold a Candle to It

Posted by Anthony Mango Sunday, May 3, 2009

Candles are incredibly overrated and pointless. Why do people buy them so much?

If you're buying them for the light, in case you'd have a blackout...why don't you own a flashlight? Nowadays, everyone has a cell phone or mp3 player as well, and they are good enough to use for the little things.

If you're buying them for the heat, you're retarded. It doesn't have much heat coming off a little candle flame. And you have to light the candle with a match or lighter, which has the same amount of heat.

If you're buying them for the smell, there are air fresheners that don't require you to waste matches/lighter fluid and also don't run the risk of burning anything.

If you're buying them for the look...what? Its just a little flame on top of a chunk of wax.

If you're buying them for some satanic cult ritual, you're already fucked up beyond repair so good luck being weird.

There's only one situation where candles are ok to buy: birthday cakes, for kids. If you're old enough to buy and light the candles yourself, you're old enough to realize that wishing on cakes means absolutely nothing. And even then, these candles are like 1 buck for a pack of 50, not 50 bucks for 1 candle.

Henceforth, candles are worthless. Stop buying them. End of discussion.

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